How or Why Our Relationships Are Mirrors for Ourselves

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How or Why Our Relationships Are Mirrors For Ourselves

They mirror your flaws in ways you can’t see

 A couple of years ago, I attended a meditation workshop in New York City. I immediately bonded with the girl I was sitting next to, and we became fast friends. We went to dinner that night and talked for hours. When I came to the city for work, we’d meet up and spend the day together. I met her friends; she met mine. We’d text long rambling updates about our lives. It was like best friends at first sight — until it wasn’t.

Only a few weeks after our meeting, the friendship faded out. Nothing “bad” happened. There was no drama. There were no hurt feelings. We just got distracted, and our lives carried on.

What I didn’t know then was that she and I had already served an important purpose in each other’s lives.

In the weeks we had been talking for hours at a time, we were often talking about just one thing: our recently failed relationships. I had come to realize something important about the trajectory of the relationship I was in at the time. This new friend and I, as it happened, were in nearly identical situations with our ex-boyfriends, left to decide whether we wanted to try again or let go.

The more my friend told me about her relationship, the more I thought she was naive. She was clearly mismatched with her partner and it was time for her to move on. I didn’t see it then, but I realize now that her situation was a mirror of my own, and the advice I wanted to give her was a projection of what I desperately needed to hear myself.

What we are looking for in relationships isn’t really love, it’s familiarity. And the exact same thing applies to friendship.

We hadn’t been drawn to each other by accident; there was a deep, unconscious psychological need we served for one another. And when I reviewed the few other friendships I’d had that had unfolded like this, I noticed an unnerving pattern.

John Gottman believes that finding your soulmate is not a random, chance encounter orchestrated by the divine, no matter what the movies would have you believe. He theorizes that your ideal partner is actually just someone who most matches your “love map,” your subconscious concept of a perfect match.

But in the shadows of our unconscious thinking, our preferences for a relationship aren’t always nice things like financial stability, relative attractiveness, or good communication. What we seek out may also be a reflection of our deepest, seediest needs.

For example, children of divorced parents tend to have more negative attitudes toward marriage as a whole and are ultimately less “optimistic about the feasibility of long-lasting, healthy marriage.” This isn’t because they’re cursed; it’s possibly because separation is part of their subconscious love map. What they first came to know as love was also separation or maybe abandonment, and that has become part of their concept of “love,” even if it very much is not.

This could also explain why some children of addicts will grow up to have adult relationships with addicts. Subconsciously, their intent may be to try to heal their partner in the way they could not heal their parent. Or, they may just not realize that they associate addictive behaviors with the comfort of their closest relationships.

Under this theory, what we are looking for in relationships isn’t really love, it’s familiarity. And the exact same thing applies to friendship.

Trying to change another person will not heal you.

It’s not a coincidence that you bond and “just click” with some people over others. In most cases, you have more in common with your closest friends than you think. You are often drawn to the people who have the same problems you want to heal within yourself, though you don’t know how.

When those relationships get challenging and you find yourself frustrated with their patterns of behavior — but you remain friends with them anyway — it’s often the case that you’re observing a mirrored pattern of your own behavior. You just don’t realize it.

We are usually unconscious of our own behavior, but we do observe it in others, often criticizing and making judgments about the person based on it. This can become a sort of obsession, the root of a love/hate relationship, the seed of jealousy, competition, and envy. And the things that most irritate us about others may show us what we cannot yet see within ourselves.

When we meet someone who has a similar wound to us, we feel it. We know there is something about them that equally draws us in and makes us want to push away. The problem is when we try to heal someone else’s wound in place of needing to heal our own.

It’s how so many people find themselves in toxic friendships. They’re attracted not to people who they connect with over shared interests or mutual respect, but to people whose worst behaviors are unconscious mirrors of their own. Instead of realizing that each person is responsible for their own reconciliation, they try to project the problem onto one another, police each other for it, and control one another’s behavior to create the change they really crave.

But trying to change another person will not heal you. It will not make you better.

There are millions and millions of people in the world. There are hundreds, if not potentially thousands, whose paths we cross. There are opportunities to connect everywhere, and yet most people end up with a small to moderate social circle, containing relationships that make them feel strongly one way or another.

This does not happen by coincidence.

The idea of your relationships being your greatest teachers might sound like another platitude, but that’s only because it is also true. Your relationships, and what you experience within them, are your most prime opportunities to see yourself more clearly, to understand who you are and what you care about, and to identify what you want to cherish and what you want to change.

So instead of trying to maneuver through life fixing other people and judging them for the ways in which they are not yet healed, consider that the wounds that trigger you most deeply in others are perhaps just reflections of your own. Perhaps what you most often think about them is really what you want to tell yourself.

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How Do We Reconcile Is Life About You or Other People? Two fundamental conflicting needs?

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How Do We Reconcile Is Life About You or Other People? Two fundamental conflicting needs?

Imagine a choice between two life paths. They are different, and they diverge from one another, but they are also complimentary, and they are paths that we all follow in one way or another.

How do we reconcile two fundamental conflicting needs?

The first —you are given a process, and you are given a responsibility, and the outcome that emerges as they collide is pure satisfaction. The only catch? You are alone on this path. The second — you have this same path in front of you, but the process and the responsibility don’t ever fully merge, so there is never any pure satisfaction — no escape from dissatisfaction. Instead, what you have are other people in your life to share that dissatisfaction with, and that dissatisfaction eventually becomes infused with a deep sense of meaning that your life would otherwise lack.

In Mahayana Buddhism, there is an ideal archetype known as a Bodhisattva. The general Buddhist doctrine argues that life is full of suffering. It also promises that by following an ancient process of meditative techniques laid out by the Buddha, this suffering can be overcome and a blissful state of pure joy and enlightenment can be achieved. Now, a Bodhisattva is a figurehead who has taken the responsibility and done the work to follow this process to enlightenment but then decided to walk back on it, towards suffering, so they can help other people still stuck in the cycle.

The first of the hypothetical paths is the path of wisdom — it’s the path that anyone who is seeking to understand their life and the problems in it is following, and it’s a path that can only ever truly be pursued alone; the path of the enlightened ones. The second of the hypothetical paths is the path of compassion — it’s the path that anyone who is seeking meaning in their life is following, and it’s a path that is forced to embrace suffering and dissatisfaction due to the complexities that arise when other people are in the picture; the path of the Bodhisattvas.

In the day to day lives of most people, these paths intersect and interact, and they challenge and contradict each other. Sometimes, we find ourselves looking inwardly, at our wants and needs, cravings and aversions, trying to satisfy or resist them, working on ourselves at the expense of the outside world so we can move a little farther along. Other times, we feel a responsibility towards others. Their problems become our problems, their joys our joys, and often, we work on them at the expense of ourselves because without these people all the inward work would feel hollow.

If this is still a little abstract, let’s make it more concrete: Life is ultimately a single-player game, but the only thing that truly makes it worth living has something to do with our relationships to other people, and this paradox sits at the core what it means to be a human being.

No matter how direct or indirect, any of the deeper problems we face emerge from conflicts that arise due to our sense of self. Beyond bare necessities like food and shelter, when we want something, the need is less because that’s what the laws of physics dictate and more because our deeply conditioned self either craves a thing or is averse to it. Now, by deconstructing this self and reconstructing its habit patterns, we can hack away at the problems that come up. This happens naturally through experience and awareness, and it’s also the goal of most meditative practices. In this sense, life is problem-solving — and it’s full of problems nobody else can solve for us because they are internal problems that require a change in perception. Others can help, guide, and encourage us, but at its core, the game is still only ours to play.

At the same time, the more we deconstruct this self, the further away we move from other people; other selves. This is because the self is a social construct — it’s born at the intersection of our relationships to our cultures, our tribes, our families, and other spatial and temporal affiliations that constrain and condition us at each and every moment of our lives. And the more internal problems we solve, the further away from this conditioning we get, and the further away from other people we get, and the more alone we feel on the path ahead of us. It would seem that other people are both the cause of our problems, and paradoxically, the final, redeeming solution.

There is a scene in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace in which a group of characters that attend a Tennis academy for gifted children is commiserating after a long, arduous training session. They have been pushed and pushed and pushed, practically to the point of needless suffering, so they can improve their skills and uphold the reputation of the academy.

At one point during their collective commiserating, they begin to wonder why they are always allotted this time to sit together after they have been pushed so hard. Surely the organizers know that they have made them suffer, and they also know that there isn’t much these kids can do about it besides sit and complain together. Why, then, do they always get this brief time-window in an otherwise brutally efficient schedule, made only to turn the kids into machines, so they can just sit around and moan to each other?

The answer, they eventually realize, is to build a sense of community — a shared purpose. They may all be going through hell, and they may all be doing so individually, without any one of them being able to lessen the other’s burden, but at the same time, deep in this lonesomeness, they have a shared experience they can come back to, and this experience adds a deeper layer of meaning where there otherwise isn’t one, and that — maybe, perhaps — makes it all a little less lonesome even if they are still fundamentally alone.

Problem-solving is individual; meaning is collective. With problems, there is suffering. Without them, there is no meaning. The self, then, is both the ultimate problem and also the ultimate solution, and this dance that we find ourselves in the midst of hits its edge right at the point where we, individually, solve our problems and then share the answers the best we can with others who are going through same motions in different ways.

One of the key things to note about the Bodhisattva archetype is that it’s not about blind giving or blind compassion. They aren’t just figures who are mindlessly dedicated to other people and their suffering without understanding what it is, where it comes from, and what exactly they are working to help. No, their first and foremost concern is to pursue the path — as the Buddha did — to gain wisdom for themselves and only then do they go back to relate to others. They may make sacrifices, and they may put outside interests before their own, but they only ever do that if they are ready to do that — if they have done the work required to earn the right to give.

In the same way, the target of our individual responsibility still lies within each of us — we still have to play the game for ourselves, and we have to learn to get good at it. That said, once we have beaten parts of this game, rather than forcing our way forward right away — even if problems persist — it’s worthwhile to stop a while, to take a breath, a moment, to share those experiences with others. It’s fine and well to accept that life is a single-player game, to keep moving to higher levels, but if we don’t make compromises in-between to focus beyond that, we neglect meaning.

In most relationship between people, especially romantic ones, if the individuals share a lot their time and space with each other, they begin to merge their selves, and that’s another extreme. Rather than placing their own path as the top priority, they rely on another to fill a void that they have left open. This removes a lot of the aloneness that is inherent in any individual journey, and it can and does create meaning, but it neglects the fact that there are an increasing number of problems still unaddressed, which sooner or later overpower and destroy whatever meaning is shared.

The balance, then, must lie somewhere in-between: to pursue what you must pursue for yourself first and foremost, accepting that it is only you who can do that, and then, as you progress, share bits and pieces of this with others so you can combine one whole and another whole into something greater, something a little more complete, realizing and acknowledging that it will still always remain somewhat incomplete.

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Why Having a Crush Is Good For You

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Why Having a Crush Is Good 

Embarrassing fantasy relationships play an important evolutionary role

We’ve all played the lead role in a teen drama laden with angst, sweaty palms, a racing heart, and an inability to concentrate on anything or anyone else but the object of our desire. And just as every Hollywood scenario depicts, crushes can be excruciatingly embarrassing in high school, but can also affect us in adulthood. So it might seem difficult to imagine that all this cringe-worthy behavior has a purpose and is actually good for us — at least most of the time.

Adults can also be taken unaware when cupid strikes, suddenly becoming self-conscious around someone attractive at work or swooning over a celebrity, even when they’re happily married. Why this happens is a bit of a mystery. “Crushes have more to do with fantasy than with reality,” psychologist and author Dr. Carl Pickhardt has written. “They tell much more about the admirer than the admired.”

In its purest sense, a crush is a form of parasocial relationship; a one-sided relationship where you have feelings for someone else but those feelings are not reciprocated, according to Dr. Anna Machin, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of Oxford’s Department of Experimental Psychology. “The research into the brain isn’t there yet, so we still don’t know whether crushes generate the same [neural] patterns as when someone is genuinely in love,” she said. Despite this, she added, the feeling of infatuation or love that crushes produce is real.

What goes on in our heads?

It’s thought that when we’re in love or lust, the stress and reward systems in our brain are working overtime, and the same is possibly true of having a crush. Nerve cells in the brain release a chemical called norepinephrine that stimulates the production of adrenaline, and give us the feeling of arousal that causes our palms to sweat and our hearts to pound. The feel-good chemical dopamine is also released, making us excitable and talkative, and perhaps explains why we sometimes blurt out unimaginably embarrassing things. This is charmingly described as “word vomit” in the cult film Mean Girls, and exemplified by the mortifying line, “I carried a watermelon” in Dirty Dancing.

It’s thought that when we’re in love or lust, the stress and reward systems in our brain are working overtime, and the same is possibly true of having a crush.

“If we were to reduce down what love is, in a neural sense, it’s a neurochemical reward, so the feelings you have are a mixture of chemicals… and dopamine is your go-to reward chemical in life,” said Dr. Machin. “When you’re in love or you have a crush, you’ll still get your dopamine reward for that, even if your feelings are not reciprocated.” It’s this process that seems to account for our slightly obsessive behavior when we have a crush — think Cameron in Ten Things I Hate About You — because thinking of an unintended brief encounter can make us feel happy, and that’s addictive.

The limbic area of the brain is thought to be involved both in love and crushes. When examined in an MRI scanner, someone in love will typically have high activity in an area of the limbic system called the caudate nucleus. That’s important, because it links to the neocortex, which handles the more cognitive or sensible aspects of love, Dr. Machin explained. Perhaps, this is the area we refer to if we trust our head more than our hearts when it comes to finding a partner. But it means that rather than slavishly following our amorous fantasies, our rational mind regulates the limbic brain’s desire for dopamine. While it wins out most of the time, because the limbic system is associated with addiction, getting over a crush can be tough, and some of us hold a torch for years.

Why do we have crushes anyway?

Is there a higher purpose for having a crush, beyond just making us feel good? Dr. Machin believes they play a strong evolutionary role. “Parasocial relationships in adolescence are a very valuable experience,” she explained. “They are something that’s part of our development because they allow an adolescent to start to explore relationships and their own sexuality and understand what attracts them in a safe way, because they’re not going to get hurt in the same way as they might in a real relationship.”

It’s important to distinguish between imagining what a relationship could be like, and having a crush with the intention of exploring a real relationship.

Whereas many of us have dated the wrong “type” of person, and had our hearts broken as a result, crushes can help ensure this doesn’t happen. “This person [the crush] is the right person because you idolize them,” Dr Machin said. “They’re going to be who you want them to be, therefore, it’s very safe. It’s a training ground for proper relationships in the real world.” Harry Styles, then, might be building a generation’s romantic resilience. “In adolescence, crushes are a healthy thing and teenagers shouldn’t feel embarrassed,” she added.

In adulthood, things are more complicated. It’s important to distinguish between imagining what a relationship could be like, and having a crush with the intention of exploring a real relationship. Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a writer and relationship scientist at Monmouth University in New Jersey, said that our evolutionary history suggests we are not a monogamous species. So crushes could be a way to help identify a future or additional partner to meet our needs — or they could be the sign of adults who are simply stuck in adolescence and unable to have a real relationship. “A crush could be a gateway behavior that eventually leads to cheating,” said Dr. Lewandowski.

What are the upsides to this embarrassing behavior?

Left as daydreams, crushes are usually harmless. Research shows that people with crushes often feel like they are in a real relationship, which could be a way to decrease loneliness, and may even boost our confidence. Crushes could help reinvigorate stale relationships by revealing what they are lacking, and give people insight into how to improve their love lives. And even the most unlikely or strange crushes could be enlightening. “People aren’t always good at knowing what they want, so a crush may actually be insight into something you don’t like and didn’t realize or didn’t want to admit,” Dr. Lewandowski said.

How do you cope with a crush as a teenager or an adult? “I’d encourage people to recognize that they are idealizing their crush,” said Dr. Lewandowski. Perhaps take the advice of Cher from Clueless and send yourself flowers and love letters — because ultimately, you can’t control who you have a crush on, so you may as well have fun.

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Facts About First Impressions

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Know Facts About 

First Impressions

Second Chance

One never gets a second chance,the saying goes,to make a fist impression.It turns out may not ever get that. Within seconds of seeing someone's face you unconsciously make decisions that will influence your interactions.

Moments

Those moments are difficult to overcome says University of Toronto psychology professor Nicholas Role "Every time you see someone even if it's someone you really know, you're making that first impression again."

Influence

You can influence a few impression by wearing glasses,which imply intelligence,or facial piercings,rebelliousness but research shows that a a face can retain same characteristics no matter  how it's presented.

Smile More

Older faces are more telling than young ones. After decades of frowning,for example,a senior's muscles adapt an agrier baseline expression. So smile more-it won't hurt in the short term either.

Looking Young

Yet another benfit of looking young. Leslie Zebrowitz of Brandeis University , USA has concluded that "babyfaceness" correlates to the Likelihood of winning a court case.

First Seconds

What happens after the first seconds?. A firm handshake is important but dont discount vulnerability and humility, which will encourage authentic interaction.

Body Language

Be conscious of body language. Don't cross your arms,don't slouch or fidget, and maintain eye contact and nod to indicate you're paying attention. 

Ask Someone

"The best way to know what sort of first impression you're making is to ask someone you trust." Rule says, explaining that for all the time we spend assessing others,we're poor judges of ourselves.

Digital

Ditch Digital for the real thing.According to a trio of 2014 University of British Columbia studies we make better first impressions face to face, than through pictures or videos.

Tweaking

Stop tweaking that facebook profile."Online people try to do a lot of impression management." Rule says but it might not have the hoped for effect. You might fixate on an aspect of your online presence deemed unimportant by others.

Impressions 

First impressions have an evolutionary basic early humans needed to quickly detect whether a person might deceive them or make for a suitable mate.

Judging

If you're doing the judging,listen to your gut.Studies maintain that people can correctly determine a CEO's profitability and even a person's sexual orientation from a glimpse of their face.

Intitution 

While helpful intuition can indulge biases and stereo types.An IIT-educated employer might be inclined to choose an IIT grad over more qualified alumini from another university. The same goes for race and social class.

Hope these must know facts about First Impressions gestures help you achieve your goals,pinnacles of success and flufil your dreams in every walk of life...ever!!.

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to my blog by clicking on Subscribe 
in a reader the icon or Subscribe via Email 
by submitting your email id on the side bar ;

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