How or Why Our Relationships Are Mirrors for Ourselves

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How or Why Our Relationships Are Mirrors For Ourselves

They mirror your flaws in ways you can’t see

 A couple of years ago, I attended a meditation workshop in New York City. I immediately bonded with the girl I was sitting next to, and we became fast friends. We went to dinner that night and talked for hours. When I came to the city for work, we’d meet up and spend the day together. I met her friends; she met mine. We’d text long rambling updates about our lives. It was like best friends at first sight — until it wasn’t.

Only a few weeks after our meeting, the friendship faded out. Nothing “bad” happened. There was no drama. There were no hurt feelings. We just got distracted, and our lives carried on.

What I didn’t know then was that she and I had already served an important purpose in each other’s lives.

In the weeks we had been talking for hours at a time, we were often talking about just one thing: our recently failed relationships. I had come to realize something important about the trajectory of the relationship I was in at the time. This new friend and I, as it happened, were in nearly identical situations with our ex-boyfriends, left to decide whether we wanted to try again or let go.

The more my friend told me about her relationship, the more I thought she was naive. She was clearly mismatched with her partner and it was time for her to move on. I didn’t see it then, but I realize now that her situation was a mirror of my own, and the advice I wanted to give her was a projection of what I desperately needed to hear myself.

What we are looking for in relationships isn’t really love, it’s familiarity. And the exact same thing applies to friendship.

We hadn’t been drawn to each other by accident; there was a deep, unconscious psychological need we served for one another. And when I reviewed the few other friendships I’d had that had unfolded like this, I noticed an unnerving pattern.

John Gottman believes that finding your soulmate is not a random, chance encounter orchestrated by the divine, no matter what the movies would have you believe. He theorizes that your ideal partner is actually just someone who most matches your “love map,” your subconscious concept of a perfect match.

But in the shadows of our unconscious thinking, our preferences for a relationship aren’t always nice things like financial stability, relative attractiveness, or good communication. What we seek out may also be a reflection of our deepest, seediest needs.

For example, children of divorced parents tend to have more negative attitudes toward marriage as a whole and are ultimately less “optimistic about the feasibility of long-lasting, healthy marriage.” This isn’t because they’re cursed; it’s possibly because separation is part of their subconscious love map. What they first came to know as love was also separation or maybe abandonment, and that has become part of their concept of “love,” even if it very much is not.

This could also explain why some children of addicts will grow up to have adult relationships with addicts. Subconsciously, their intent may be to try to heal their partner in the way they could not heal their parent. Or, they may just not realize that they associate addictive behaviors with the comfort of their closest relationships.

Under this theory, what we are looking for in relationships isn’t really love, it’s familiarity. And the exact same thing applies to friendship.

Trying to change another person will not heal you.

It’s not a coincidence that you bond and “just click” with some people over others. In most cases, you have more in common with your closest friends than you think. You are often drawn to the people who have the same problems you want to heal within yourself, though you don’t know how.

When those relationships get challenging and you find yourself frustrated with their patterns of behavior — but you remain friends with them anyway — it’s often the case that you’re observing a mirrored pattern of your own behavior. You just don’t realize it.

We are usually unconscious of our own behavior, but we do observe it in others, often criticizing and making judgments about the person based on it. This can become a sort of obsession, the root of a love/hate relationship, the seed of jealousy, competition, and envy. And the things that most irritate us about others may show us what we cannot yet see within ourselves.

When we meet someone who has a similar wound to us, we feel it. We know there is something about them that equally draws us in and makes us want to push away. The problem is when we try to heal someone else’s wound in place of needing to heal our own.

It’s how so many people find themselves in toxic friendships. They’re attracted not to people who they connect with over shared interests or mutual respect, but to people whose worst behaviors are unconscious mirrors of their own. Instead of realizing that each person is responsible for their own reconciliation, they try to project the problem onto one another, police each other for it, and control one another’s behavior to create the change they really crave.

But trying to change another person will not heal you. It will not make you better.

There are millions and millions of people in the world. There are hundreds, if not potentially thousands, whose paths we cross. There are opportunities to connect everywhere, and yet most people end up with a small to moderate social circle, containing relationships that make them feel strongly one way or another.

This does not happen by coincidence.

The idea of your relationships being your greatest teachers might sound like another platitude, but that’s only because it is also true. Your relationships, and what you experience within them, are your most prime opportunities to see yourself more clearly, to understand who you are and what you care about, and to identify what you want to cherish and what you want to change.

So instead of trying to maneuver through life fixing other people and judging them for the ways in which they are not yet healed, consider that the wounds that trigger you most deeply in others are perhaps just reflections of your own. Perhaps what you most often think about them is really what you want to tell yourself.

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Why Having a Crush Is Good For You

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Why Having a Crush Is Good 

Embarrassing fantasy relationships play an important evolutionary role

We’ve all played the lead role in a teen drama laden with angst, sweaty palms, a racing heart, and an inability to concentrate on anything or anyone else but the object of our desire. And just as every Hollywood scenario depicts, crushes can be excruciatingly embarrassing in high school, but can also affect us in adulthood. So it might seem difficult to imagine that all this cringe-worthy behavior has a purpose and is actually good for us — at least most of the time.

Adults can also be taken unaware when cupid strikes, suddenly becoming self-conscious around someone attractive at work or swooning over a celebrity, even when they’re happily married. Why this happens is a bit of a mystery. “Crushes have more to do with fantasy than with reality,” psychologist and author Dr. Carl Pickhardt has written. “They tell much more about the admirer than the admired.”

In its purest sense, a crush is a form of parasocial relationship; a one-sided relationship where you have feelings for someone else but those feelings are not reciprocated, according to Dr. Anna Machin, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of Oxford’s Department of Experimental Psychology. “The research into the brain isn’t there yet, so we still don’t know whether crushes generate the same [neural] patterns as when someone is genuinely in love,” she said. Despite this, she added, the feeling of infatuation or love that crushes produce is real.

What goes on in our heads?

It’s thought that when we’re in love or lust, the stress and reward systems in our brain are working overtime, and the same is possibly true of having a crush. Nerve cells in the brain release a chemical called norepinephrine that stimulates the production of adrenaline, and give us the feeling of arousal that causes our palms to sweat and our hearts to pound. The feel-good chemical dopamine is also released, making us excitable and talkative, and perhaps explains why we sometimes blurt out unimaginably embarrassing things. This is charmingly described as “word vomit” in the cult film Mean Girls, and exemplified by the mortifying line, “I carried a watermelon” in Dirty Dancing.

It’s thought that when we’re in love or lust, the stress and reward systems in our brain are working overtime, and the same is possibly true of having a crush.

“If we were to reduce down what love is, in a neural sense, it’s a neurochemical reward, so the feelings you have are a mixture of chemicals… and dopamine is your go-to reward chemical in life,” said Dr. Machin. “When you’re in love or you have a crush, you’ll still get your dopamine reward for that, even if your feelings are not reciprocated.” It’s this process that seems to account for our slightly obsessive behavior when we have a crush — think Cameron in Ten Things I Hate About You — because thinking of an unintended brief encounter can make us feel happy, and that’s addictive.

The limbic area of the brain is thought to be involved both in love and crushes. When examined in an MRI scanner, someone in love will typically have high activity in an area of the limbic system called the caudate nucleus. That’s important, because it links to the neocortex, which handles the more cognitive or sensible aspects of love, Dr. Machin explained. Perhaps, this is the area we refer to if we trust our head more than our hearts when it comes to finding a partner. But it means that rather than slavishly following our amorous fantasies, our rational mind regulates the limbic brain’s desire for dopamine. While it wins out most of the time, because the limbic system is associated with addiction, getting over a crush can be tough, and some of us hold a torch for years.

Why do we have crushes anyway?

Is there a higher purpose for having a crush, beyond just making us feel good? Dr. Machin believes they play a strong evolutionary role. “Parasocial relationships in adolescence are a very valuable experience,” she explained. “They are something that’s part of our development because they allow an adolescent to start to explore relationships and their own sexuality and understand what attracts them in a safe way, because they’re not going to get hurt in the same way as they might in a real relationship.”

It’s important to distinguish between imagining what a relationship could be like, and having a crush with the intention of exploring a real relationship.

Whereas many of us have dated the wrong “type” of person, and had our hearts broken as a result, crushes can help ensure this doesn’t happen. “This person [the crush] is the right person because you idolize them,” Dr Machin said. “They’re going to be who you want them to be, therefore, it’s very safe. It’s a training ground for proper relationships in the real world.” Harry Styles, then, might be building a generation’s romantic resilience. “In adolescence, crushes are a healthy thing and teenagers shouldn’t feel embarrassed,” she added.

In adulthood, things are more complicated. It’s important to distinguish between imagining what a relationship could be like, and having a crush with the intention of exploring a real relationship. Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a writer and relationship scientist at Monmouth University in New Jersey, said that our evolutionary history suggests we are not a monogamous species. So crushes could be a way to help identify a future or additional partner to meet our needs — or they could be the sign of adults who are simply stuck in adolescence and unable to have a real relationship. “A crush could be a gateway behavior that eventually leads to cheating,” said Dr. Lewandowski.

What are the upsides to this embarrassing behavior?

Left as daydreams, crushes are usually harmless. Research shows that people with crushes often feel like they are in a real relationship, which could be a way to decrease loneliness, and may even boost our confidence. Crushes could help reinvigorate stale relationships by revealing what they are lacking, and give people insight into how to improve their love lives. And even the most unlikely or strange crushes could be enlightening. “People aren’t always good at knowing what they want, so a crush may actually be insight into something you don’t like and didn’t realize or didn’t want to admit,” Dr. Lewandowski said.

How do you cope with a crush as a teenager or an adult? “I’d encourage people to recognize that they are idealizing their crush,” said Dr. Lewandowski. Perhaps take the advice of Cher from Clueless and send yourself flowers and love letters — because ultimately, you can’t control who you have a crush on, so you may as well have fun.

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Fear - Healthy Ways To Face Fear

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Healthy Ways To Face Fear

Fear is a very crippling feeling, which you might have to go through at various situations of life. You might be scared of heights, darkness, and public speaking, even scared of being lonely. Fear is very difficult to overcome as it can debilitate you and render you useless. Even if you cannot be superhuman, you can at least aim to be someone who can confront his/her fear and render the fear useless. 

                      How To Face It?

Here are a few tips on how you can confront your fear

1.Should You Face Your Fear?

You don’t need to conquer every fear you experience. A fear of tsunamis isn’t a big deal if you live 1000 miles away from the ocean. But it may be a problem if you live on the coast and you panic every time you hear about earthquakes, storms, or high tides because you think you might be in danger.

Have an internal conversation with yourself about what your fears are stopping you from doing, and consider if it’s a problem that you need to confront. Are your fears causing you to lead a less fulfilling life than the one you hoped for?

Consider the pros and cons of not facing your fear. Write those down. Then, identify the pros and cons of tackling your fears head-on. Write down what you might achieve or how your life might be different.

Reading over those lists can help you make a clearer decision about what to do next. If you decide to proceed, the best way to conquer a fear is to face your fears head-on. But, it’s important to do so in a healthy manner that helps you move past the fear rather than in a way that traumatizes you.

2. Identify the fear

This is a very important step as you need to figure out why you are scared or afraid. There has to be a specific reason behind every single fear that you have. Try to identify that reason. Delve deep into your memory and try figuring out what exactly evoked the fear. Once you know the reason, you will be able to understand the base of your fear, and you will find it easier to overcome.

2. Evaluate Risk Level

Sometimes, a fear comes from simply not knowing very much about the thing you’re afraid of. For example, you might be afraid of airplanes because it seems like you have heard about a lot of in-air incidents that lead to injury or death.

However, if you look into the statistics, you might learn that the probability of death on a U.S. commercial jet airline is 1 in 7 million (in comparison to 1 in 600 from smoking).

You can also learn more about what causes those bumps and jolts during turbulence on an aircraft—it’s simply the movement of air having an effect on the aircraft and, if you’re buckled in properly, poses very little threat to you.

Of course, less tangible fears, such as being afraid of public speaking, don’t necessarily have statistics to help you learn more about the risks you face. But you can read about people’s successful public speaking ventures, or learn more about the successful public speaking strategies, to help you feel more confident.

Keep in mind that just because something feels scary, doesn’t mean it’s actually risky. Educate yourself about the facts and the risks you actually face by doing the things that scare you.

3. Create an Action Plan

The key to facing your fears is to take one small step at a time. Going too fast or doing something too scary before you are ready can backfire.

But it’s also important to keep moving forward. A moderate amount of anxiety is good. Don’t wait to take a step forward until your anxiety disappears.

The best way to create an action plan is to create a fear hierarchy made up of small steps. Here’s an example of how someone might face the fear of public speaking one step at a time using exposure therapy:

1. Stand in front of a mirror and give a two-minute talk
2. Record yourself giving a talk and watch it back
3. Practice the talk in front of a spouse
4. Practice the talk in front of a spouse and family member 
5. Practice the talk in front of a spouse, family member, and one friend
6. Practice the talk in front of a spouse, family member, and two friends.
7. Give the talk in a meeting at work

If you can’t actually do the thing that scares you to practice, you might use imagined exposure. For example, it’s difficult to practice flying on an airplane one step at a time.

But, you might be able to induce a little anxiety by imaging yourself getting on a plane. Think about how it would feel to take your seat and think about how you would handle feeling the plane take off.

You also might watch videos about airplanes or you might park your car near an airport in an area where you can watch flights land and take off. Learning more about planes and being near them may help ease your fear over time. 

In some cases, virtual reality treatment may be an option to provide exposure therapy. The treatment has shown promise in treating PTSD.

4. Breathe

Breathing slowly and deeply actually helps. It calms your nerves and relaxes you. Short and shallow breaths can trigger panic and fear. If you breathe out longer than the time you take to breathe in, your body relaxes immediately. Try it; it actually works the best. Whenever you feel that you are panicking or that you are feeling afraid, take deep breaths. Concentrate on your breathing. Count till 7 when you breathe in and till 11 when you breathe out. You will be surprised to find out how quickly you have calmed down.

5. Get ready to be peaceful

If you start feeling anxious, nervous or afraid, breathe in and out. Then think of how you will get positive outcomes from the particular act you are being anxious about. If you have to go into a dark room to get something and you are afraid of darkness, just think how you will be able to get what you desire if only you step into the darkness for a fraction of second. This will help build your confidence and will slowly get you accustomed to moving on with your fear.

6.Control what you imagine

If you are afraid of something, whether tangible or not, your imaginations about it will run wild. You might start imagining stuff which are not even real or which might just ingrain your mind and establish the fear on solid ground. Hence it is high time you need to control your imagination. Imagination is a very unique gift if you want to create something beautiful, which will help encourage you. But if you start imagining how a spider will just grow in size and number and will fly towards you, then you have to put a lid on it.

Being afraid is common. Even the bravest people are afraid. Don't be embarrassed about that. Just face it and try to let go of it.

7.Seek Professional Help

If you have a specific phobia, you may not be able to conquer your fears on your own. If your fears are debilitating, or you aren’t having much success facing them on your own, seek professional help.

A cognitive behavioral therapist can help desensitize you to your fears one small step at a time.

Most professionals are comfortable treating a variety of phobias ranging from the fear of spiders to the fear of blood.

If you have a trauma history that affects your fears, you should also consider getting professional help. Post-traumatic stress disorder can play a role in ongoing fears.

Treatment may involve talking about the thing that scares you, practicing relaxation strategies, and managing your anxiety as you face your fears head-on. A therapist, however, will help you go at a pace that is comfortable and healthy for you.

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How Vital Lessons Of Life Can Be Learned from Lord Shiva's Body

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Lessons To Be  Learned From Lord 

Shiva's body

In Hinduism, Lord Shiva symbolizes wisdom, power, balance, consciousness, the manifestation of the universe. He’s neither born nor will he ever perish; he’s master of the art, an epitome of passion and symbolizes the balanced approach of life.

It is believed that Lord Shiva’s body is the school for mankind in itself, whoever unravels the meaning of his being is sorted for life. Here’s how his entire body symbolizes true meaning of life…

1. Symbolism: His Matted Hair

Unison of mind, body and spirit Whether you want to focus better at work, study harder, concentrate better or just feel healthy, a unison between your mind, body and spirit is key to achieving anything. One of the greatest benefits of a peaceful mind is that it helps release happy and calming hormones that keep things like damage due to oxidative stress, acidity, stomach aches, migraines, headaches and many other diseases - at bay. As an added bonus, it also improves your immunity. So, stay calm and simply smile away your sorrows.

2. Symbolism: Third Eye

Seeing with the mind’s eye Ever looked at a task and thought about how impossible or unattainable it is? Well, that is where this principle comes in. Looking at a problem beyond what it immediately presents to you is the key to a happy and successful life.

3. Symbolism: Trishul

Symbolism: #Control of mind, intellect and ego If you are one of those people who has done something because you were challenged to do it, or because you simply did not want to be the ‘loser’ in the group, you need to listen to this advice. Your ego can actually do you in. Once it is controlled, your mind has the ability to work better, allowing your intellect to function better. A person free from ego has a controlled mind and your mind has a direct connection to how you feel.

4. Symbolism: Meditative Pose

Symbolism: #Calmness Also known as mindful living, a principle where one actually uses the meditative state of mind to live better, has a lot of benefits. Being calm during your everyday battles can not only help you sort issues out with better clarity but also helps you stay healthier.

5.Symbolism: Ash Smeared On Body

Symbolism: #Everything is temporary Most people nowadays obsess about their looks, the amount of money they make, or the kind of things they own. While we are definitely not saying that you should ignore your body or your health, but it definitely should not become a harmful obsession. So hit the gym, eat right, get the body you want, but don’t obsess about it. There is a fine line between being committed and obsessed. Learn to recognize it.

6. Symbolism: Blue Throat

Symbolism: Suppression of anger Ever felt pure rage just bubbling through your veins? Well, that anger is better channeled and let out in a constructive manner. While bottling up emotions, especially anger, is definitely not good for you, the next time you feel angry, go work out, go for a run or simply take up a form of martial arts. Not only will this keep you healthy, it will also make you very happy.

7. Symbolism: Damru

Symbolism: Ridding your body of all desire Going on a diet, following an exercise regime or simply giving your midnight craving a miss, needs a lot of will-power and this is where Lord Shiva’s dhamru comes into play. The musical instrument indicates the removal of all desire and evil from the body, making your body clean and disease-free.

8. Symbolism: Ganga

Symbolism: The End of Ignorance Ever started something without fully knowing what it actually entails - be it a fitness regime, diet or some form of treatment? Well, you are not alone. We all tend to jump into the unknown with the faith that the person suggesting it to us, knows best. But this can actually be quite damaging to your body. So, the next time you decide about getting a procedure done, plan to go on the next fad diet or are simply about to start some new form of health regimen, do your research first.

9. Symbolism: Kamandalam

Symbolism: Removal of all evil from the body The basis of a good existence is to get rid of the bad and retain the good. The kamandalam signifies just that. Getting rid of bad thoughts, negativity and waste from both your mind and body can do you a great deal of good. Not only will it help clear your mind and help it function better, it will also help your body keep diseases at bay.

10. Symbolism: Serpent Around The Neck

Symbolism: Controlling one’s ego Your ego is probably your worst enemy. Not only does it give rise to anger, it also leads to irritation, ill health and frustration. So let go of your ego and watch yourself be free both mentally and physically.

I bow to the feet of Lord Shiva, Whose body is pure, immaculate, consciousness. I bow to the cosmic power Shiva-Shakti, Manifestation of the cosmic consciousness.

Om Namah Shivay!!

Hope you enjoyed reading this;)

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Sameer

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