How Do We Reconcile Is Life About You or Other People? Two fundamental conflicting needs?

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How Do We Reconcile Is Life About You or Other People? Two fundamental conflicting needs?

Imagine a choice between two life paths. They are different, and they diverge from one another, but they are also complimentary, and they are paths that we all follow in one way or another.

How do we reconcile two fundamental conflicting needs?

The first —you are given a process, and you are given a responsibility, and the outcome that emerges as they collide is pure satisfaction. The only catch? You are alone on this path. The second — you have this same path in front of you, but the process and the responsibility don’t ever fully merge, so there is never any pure satisfaction — no escape from dissatisfaction. Instead, what you have are other people in your life to share that dissatisfaction with, and that dissatisfaction eventually becomes infused with a deep sense of meaning that your life would otherwise lack.

In Mahayana Buddhism, there is an ideal archetype known as a Bodhisattva. The general Buddhist doctrine argues that life is full of suffering. It also promises that by following an ancient process of meditative techniques laid out by the Buddha, this suffering can be overcome and a blissful state of pure joy and enlightenment can be achieved. Now, a Bodhisattva is a figurehead who has taken the responsibility and done the work to follow this process to enlightenment but then decided to walk back on it, towards suffering, so they can help other people still stuck in the cycle.

The first of the hypothetical paths is the path of wisdom — it’s the path that anyone who is seeking to understand their life and the problems in it is following, and it’s a path that can only ever truly be pursued alone; the path of the enlightened ones. The second of the hypothetical paths is the path of compassion — it’s the path that anyone who is seeking meaning in their life is following, and it’s a path that is forced to embrace suffering and dissatisfaction due to the complexities that arise when other people are in the picture; the path of the Bodhisattvas.

In the day to day lives of most people, these paths intersect and interact, and they challenge and contradict each other. Sometimes, we find ourselves looking inwardly, at our wants and needs, cravings and aversions, trying to satisfy or resist them, working on ourselves at the expense of the outside world so we can move a little farther along. Other times, we feel a responsibility towards others. Their problems become our problems, their joys our joys, and often, we work on them at the expense of ourselves because without these people all the inward work would feel hollow.

If this is still a little abstract, let’s make it more concrete: Life is ultimately a single-player game, but the only thing that truly makes it worth living has something to do with our relationships to other people, and this paradox sits at the core what it means to be a human being.

No matter how direct or indirect, any of the deeper problems we face emerge from conflicts that arise due to our sense of self. Beyond bare necessities like food and shelter, when we want something, the need is less because that’s what the laws of physics dictate and more because our deeply conditioned self either craves a thing or is averse to it. Now, by deconstructing this self and reconstructing its habit patterns, we can hack away at the problems that come up. This happens naturally through experience and awareness, and it’s also the goal of most meditative practices. In this sense, life is problem-solving — and it’s full of problems nobody else can solve for us because they are internal problems that require a change in perception. Others can help, guide, and encourage us, but at its core, the game is still only ours to play.

At the same time, the more we deconstruct this self, the further away we move from other people; other selves. This is because the self is a social construct — it’s born at the intersection of our relationships to our cultures, our tribes, our families, and other spatial and temporal affiliations that constrain and condition us at each and every moment of our lives. And the more internal problems we solve, the further away from this conditioning we get, and the further away from other people we get, and the more alone we feel on the path ahead of us. It would seem that other people are both the cause of our problems, and paradoxically, the final, redeeming solution.

There is a scene in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace in which a group of characters that attend a Tennis academy for gifted children is commiserating after a long, arduous training session. They have been pushed and pushed and pushed, practically to the point of needless suffering, so they can improve their skills and uphold the reputation of the academy.

At one point during their collective commiserating, they begin to wonder why they are always allotted this time to sit together after they have been pushed so hard. Surely the organizers know that they have made them suffer, and they also know that there isn’t much these kids can do about it besides sit and complain together. Why, then, do they always get this brief time-window in an otherwise brutally efficient schedule, made only to turn the kids into machines, so they can just sit around and moan to each other?

The answer, they eventually realize, is to build a sense of community — a shared purpose. They may all be going through hell, and they may all be doing so individually, without any one of them being able to lessen the other’s burden, but at the same time, deep in this lonesomeness, they have a shared experience they can come back to, and this experience adds a deeper layer of meaning where there otherwise isn’t one, and that — maybe, perhaps — makes it all a little less lonesome even if they are still fundamentally alone.

Problem-solving is individual; meaning is collective. With problems, there is suffering. Without them, there is no meaning. The self, then, is both the ultimate problem and also the ultimate solution, and this dance that we find ourselves in the midst of hits its edge right at the point where we, individually, solve our problems and then share the answers the best we can with others who are going through same motions in different ways.

One of the key things to note about the Bodhisattva archetype is that it’s not about blind giving or blind compassion. They aren’t just figures who are mindlessly dedicated to other people and their suffering without understanding what it is, where it comes from, and what exactly they are working to help. No, their first and foremost concern is to pursue the path — as the Buddha did — to gain wisdom for themselves and only then do they go back to relate to others. They may make sacrifices, and they may put outside interests before their own, but they only ever do that if they are ready to do that — if they have done the work required to earn the right to give.

In the same way, the target of our individual responsibility still lies within each of us — we still have to play the game for ourselves, and we have to learn to get good at it. That said, once we have beaten parts of this game, rather than forcing our way forward right away — even if problems persist — it’s worthwhile to stop a while, to take a breath, a moment, to share those experiences with others. It’s fine and well to accept that life is a single-player game, to keep moving to higher levels, but if we don’t make compromises in-between to focus beyond that, we neglect meaning.

In most relationship between people, especially romantic ones, if the individuals share a lot their time and space with each other, they begin to merge their selves, and that’s another extreme. Rather than placing their own path as the top priority, they rely on another to fill a void that they have left open. This removes a lot of the aloneness that is inherent in any individual journey, and it can and does create meaning, but it neglects the fact that there are an increasing number of problems still unaddressed, which sooner or later overpower and destroy whatever meaning is shared.

The balance, then, must lie somewhere in-between: to pursue what you must pursue for yourself first and foremost, accepting that it is only you who can do that, and then, as you progress, share bits and pieces of this with others so you can combine one whole and another whole into something greater, something a little more complete, realizing and acknowledging that it will still always remain somewhat incomplete.

Hope you enjoyed reading this;)

“Do you agree? Please Share your thoughts in the comments below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me!”

Bye for Know,

Sameer

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How These Little Habits Will Make You a Better and Smart Decision Maker

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Hey Everyone!,

Little Habits Make You a Better 

And Smart Decision Maker

Knowing how to make good decisions—like what to wear to a job interview or how to invest your money—could be the key to living your best life. And being able to make those decisions in a timely manner and feeling confident about your decision-making skills could save you a lot of time and hassle.

Fortunately, everyone can take steps to become better decision makers. If you want to become a better decision maker, incorporate these nine daily habits into your life.

Think of yourself as a fly on the wall.

One thing you can do to make more rational decisions is to remove yourself from the situation and think of yourself as an outside observer. A new study in the journal Psychological Science shows that when you think about a relationship conflict from a first-person perspective, you’re less likely to employ wise reasoning than when you think about a conflict from a third-person perspective. Wise reasoning includes strategies such as considering others’ perspectives, thinking about different ways the scenario could unfold, and thinking about compromises.

Take Note of Your Over Confidence

Overconfidence can easily make your judgment go awry. Studies consistently show people tend to overestimate their performance as well as the accuracy of their knowledge.

Perhaps you are 90 percent sure you know where the office is that you’re visiting. Or maybe you’re 80 percent certain you can convince your boss to give you a promotion. If you're overconfident about those things, your plans are likely to go awry.

It’s especially important to consider your confidence level in terms of time management. Most people overestimate how much they can accomplish in a certain period of time. Do you think it will only take you one hour to finish that report? Do you predict you’ll be able to pay your online bills in 30 minutes? You might find you’re overconfident in your predictions.

Take time every day to estimate the likelihood that you’ll be successful. Then, at the end of the day, review your estimates. Were you as accurate as you thought?

Good decisions makers recognize areas in their lives where overconfidence could be a problem. Then, they adjust their thinking and their behavior accordingly.

Identify the Risks You Take

Familiarity breeds comfort. And there’s a good chance you make some poor decisions simply because you’ve grown accustomed to your habits and you don’t think about the danger you’re in or the harm you’re causing.

For example, you might speed on your way to work every day. Each time you arrive safely without a speeding ticket, you become a little more comfortable with driving fast. But clearly, you’re jeopardizing your safety and taking a legal risk.

Or, maybe you eat fast food for lunch every day. Since you don’t suffer any immediate signs of ill health, you might not see it as a problem. But over time, you may gain weight or experience other health issues as a consequence.

Identify your daily habits that have become commonplace. These are things that require little thought on your part because they’re automatic. Then, take some time to evaluate which decisions might be harmful or unhealthy and create a plan to develop healthier daily habits.

Frame Your Problems In a Different Way

The way you pose a question or a problem plays a major role in how you’ll respond and how you’ll perceive your chances of success.

Imagine two surgeons. One surgeon tells his patients, “Ninety percent of people who undergo this procedure live.” The other surgeon says, “Ten percent of people who undergo this procedure die.”

The facts are the same. But research shows people who hear “10 percent of people die” perceive their risk to be much greater.

So when you’re faced with a decision, frame the issue differently. Take a minute to think about whether the slight change in wording affects how you view the problem.

Stop Thinking About the Problem

When you’re faced with a tough choice, like whether to move to a new city or change careers, you might spend a lot of time thinking about the pros and cons or the potential risks and rewards.

And while science shows there is plenty of value in thinking about your options, overthinking your choices can actually be a problem. Weighing the pros and cons for too long may increase your stress level to the point that you struggle to make a decision.

Studies show there’s a lot of value in letting an idea “incubate.” Non-conscious thinking is surprisingly astute. So consider sleeping on a problem.

Or, get yourself involved in an activity that takes your mind off a problem. Let your brain work through things in the background and you’re likely to develop clear answers.

Set Aside Time to Reflect on Your Mistakes

Whether you left the house without an umbrella and got drenched on the way to work, or you blew your budget because you couldn’t resist an impulse purchase, set aside time to reflect on your mistakes.

Make it a daily habit to review the choices you made throughout the day. When your decisions don’t turn out well, ask yourself what went wrong. Look for the lessons that can be gained from each mistake you make.

Just make sure you don’t dwell on your mistakes for too long. Rehashing your missteps over and over again isn’t good for your mental health.

Keep your reflection time sensitive—perhaps 10 minutes per day is enough to help you think about what you can do better tomorrow. Then, take the information you've gained and commit to making better decisions moving forward.

Acknowledge Your Shortcuts

Although it can be a bit uncomfortable to admit, you’re biased in some ways. It’s impossible to be completely objective.

In fact, your mind has created mental shortcuts—referred to as heuristics—that help you make decisions faster. And while these mental shortcuts keep you from toiling for hours over every little choice you make, they can also steer you wrong.

The availability heuristic, for example, involves basing decisions on examples and information that immediately spring to mind. So if you watch frequent news stories that feature house fires, you’re likely to overestimate the risk of experiencing a house fire.

Or, if you’ve recently consumed a lot of news about plane crashes, you may think your chances of dying in a plane crash is higher than a car crash (even though statistics show otherwise).

Make it a daily habit to consider the mental shortcuts that lead to bad decisions. Acknowledge the incorrect assumptions you may make about people or events and you may be able to become a little more objective.

Consider the Opposite

Once you’ve decided something is true, you’re likely to cling to that belief. It’s a psychological principle known as belief perseverance. It takes more compelling evidence to change a belief than it did to create it, and there’s a good chance you’ve developed some beliefs that don’t serve you well.

For example, you might assume you’re a bad public speaker, so you avoid speaking up in meetings. Or you might believe you are bad at relationships, so you stop going on dates.

You’ve also developed beliefs about certain groups of people. Perhaps you believe, “People who work out a lot are narcissists,” or “Rich people are evil.”

Those beliefs that you assume are always true or 100 percent accurate can lead you astray. The best way to challenge your beliefs is to argue the opposite.

If you’re convinced you shouldn’t speak up in a meeting, argue all the reasons why you should. Or, if you’re convinced rich people are bad, list reasons why wealthy people may be kind or helpful.  

Considering the opposite will help breakdown unhelpful beliefs so you can look at situations in another light and decide to act differently.

Label Your Emotions

People are often more inclined to say things like, “I have butterflies in my stomach,” or “I had a lump in my throat,” rather than use feeling words, like sad or nervous, to describe their emotional state.

Many adults just aren’t comfortable talking about their feelings. But, labeling your emotions can be the key to making better decisions.

Your feelings play a huge role in the choices you make. Studies consistently show anxiety makes people play it safe. And anxiety spills over from one area of someone’s life to another.

So if you’re nervous about the mortgage application you just filed, you might be less likely to ask someone out on a date because you’ll think it sounds too risky.

Excitement, on the other hand, can make you overestimate your chances of success. Even if there’s only a small likelihood you’ll succeed, you might be willing to take a big risk if you’re excited about the potential payoffs (this is often the case with gambling).

Make it a daily habit to label your feelings. Note whether you’re feeling sad, angry, embarrassed, anxious, or disappointed. Then, take a minute to consider how those emotions may be influencing your decisions.

Consider your environment.

Lighting seems to amplify a person's emotions -- both positive and negative -- which could, in turn, have an impact on rational decision-making, according to a Journal of Consumer Psychology study. In the study, participants thought sauce was spicier, fictional characters were more aggressive and people were more attractive when they were in a brighter room, versus a dimmer room. "Bright light intensifies the initial emotional reaction we have to different kinds of stimulus including products and people,” study researcher Alison Jing Xu, an assistant professor of management at the University of Toronto Scarborough, said in a statement.

Talk to Yourself Like a Trusted Friend

When faced with a tough choice, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who had this problem?” You’ll likely find the answer comes to you more readily when you’re imagining yourself offering wisdom to someone else.

Talking to yourself like a trusted friend takes some of the emotion out of the equation. It will help you gain some distance from the decision and will give you an opportunity to be a little more objective.

It will also help you to be a little kinder to yourself. While you may be likely to say negative things to yourself like, “This will never work. You can’t do anything right,” there’s a good chance you wouldn’t say that to your friend. Perhaps you’d say something more like, “You’ve got this. I know you can do it,” if you were talking to a friend.

Developing a kinder inner dialogue takes practice. But when you make self-compassion a daily habit, your decision-making skills will improve.

Think in another language.

The idea is that when you think about a situation in a foreign language, it removes some of the emotional connection you might otherwise have with your native tongue -— thereby making it easier to disconnect yourself from the situation and think more rationally, according to a recent Psychological Science study.

Take a moment before making your decision.

Taking just a fraction of a second more to make a decision could help improve your decision-making accuracy, according to a recent PLoS ONE study. “Postponing the onset of the decision process by as little as 50 to 100 milliseconds enables the brain to focus attention on the most relevant information and block out irrelevant distractors," study researcher Jack Grinband, PhD, associate research scientist in the Taub Institute and assistant professor of clinical radiology at Columbia University Medical Center, said in a statement.

Hope you enjoyed reading this;)

"Do you agree? Please Share your thoughts in the comments below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me!"

Bye for Know,

Sameer

There’s more to that

If you’re looking for more,Please subscribe to my blog by clicking on Subscribe in a reader the icon or Subscribe via Email by submitting your email id on the side bar ;)

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